How come you can catch a cold, but you can't catch a warm?
The man who invented the boomerang tried for a comeback.
A photofinisher says, "Someday my prints will come."
The price of duck feathers has increased. Now even down is up.
Although straw hats went out of style, they had their hay day.
Two wrongs might make a riot.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
In 1883, the first bakery opened on the yeast coast.
I know a lingerie buyer who gave his wife the slip.
My electrician usually worries about current events.
He could always find the liquor bottle - he had a "fifth" sense.
David and Goliath: Prophet and loss.
Bank ad: Come in and see us if you are loan-ly.
An autobiography is an I-witness account.
Rich foods are like destiny. They, too, shape our ends.
Please turn off the lights when not using. Thanks a watt.
The puns above are from "The Complete Pun Book" by Art Moger
Definition of Paronomasia: A pun pal.
When two car companies merge, do they become industry alloys?
Synonym for writer's cramp: "Authoritis"
from "Get Thee To a Punnery" by Richard Lederer
A six-foot termite walks into a corner bar. He raps on the bar
and asks: "Excuse me...Is the bartender here?"
submitted by Steven Rettig
She was only a rancher's daughter but all the cow manure
submitted by Thomas J. Dunne
She was only a moon shiner's daughter but I love her still
submitted by Thomas J. Dunne
An eccentric millionare could also be known as a fortune kookie...
Big Ben: The tock of the town
The problem with hiring tailors is that they are always looking for fringe benefits!
The pessimist's drug: Damitol!
Do restaurant patrons in Prague always get separate Czechs?
A gossip is a person with a keen sense of rumor
Editing is a rewording activity
Did you hear about the guy who survived being struck by
lightning? He was shocked!
submitted by Tara Kelley
"I thought I was supposed to be immortal!" Dracula
said painstakingly.
submitted by Jeff and Lisa Stone
I will be dead tomb-morrow
It's just a pun--really!
submitted by AJ Richman and Aaron Zimroth
I never like to have coffee because it just is not my cup of
tea
submitted by Ganesh
Did you hear about the Viagra pill for men--if you swallow it
slowly, you'll get a stiff neck
A winner in the best pun wannabe catagory!
submitted by Mike Zello
I wanted to make a pun about the United States' World Cup
chances in the summer of 1998, but Iran out of ideas...
Nice last-minute goal, though...
Last night I dreamt that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted!
submitted by Greg Hancock
One man's fish is another man's poisson.
submitted by DRRAYWARD
What is a vampire's favorite sport? Answer: Baseball! Drives
them BATTY!
submitted by Gary Caraker
Heard at an optometrist's convention: "The Eyes have it"
"Bear Overthrows Disneyland in Pooh D'etat"
submitted by Robb Johnston
If you run over a clown from "In Living Color," will you be charged with vehicular Homey-cide?
Did you hear about the bank who wanted its bankrupt customer brought in "Debtor Alive"?
I rented my doghouse on a 10-year leash.
Why didn’t the frog sit on the toadstool? Because there
wasn’t mushroom.
submitted by Matthew Malecki
One foot was looking for another foot to marry because it wanted a sole-mate.
Sign on a hair salon: "Curl Up and Dye"
"She said I lived in an ugly house, so I knocked her
flat!"
submitted by Shelworth
Halloween Costume ideas: A pair of fuzzy dice with a map (Pair-'a-dice-lost) or an MD with fangs and a cape (Doc-ula)
What do the starship Enterprise and Van Gogh have in common?
They are both searching for the Final Front Ear!
submitted by Robert Mendell
On the tombstone of a farmer whose dying wish was to be buried in his vegetable garden: "Rest in Peas"
Favorite book of cleaners: "Grime and Punishment"
Sign on entrance to delicatessen: KNOCKWURST BEFORE ENTERING!
submitted by Hana-Bashe Himelstein
Someone I know has a dentist named Dr. Parradine. If he moved his office, it would be a "Parradine-shift."
Aetheism is a non-prophet organization.
submitted by Amanda Villier
Show me where Stalin is buried and I'll show you a communist
plot.
originally by Edgar Bergen
Two maggots were fighting in dead Earnest
submitted by Robb Johnston
Did you hear about the absent-minded nurse that made the
patient without disturbing the bed?
submitted by Ronald A. Guidotti
In the Pyrenees, care must be taken if a fire breaks out in a
movie theater, so as not to "put all your Basques in one
exit."
submitted by Ronald A. Guidotti
"Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery."
Did you hear about the Old Testament hooker? She was arrested
for trying to make a Prophet!
submitted by Fred Lawrence
Recently I experienced muscle pain after installing a
sound-deadening device on my car's exhaust system. The doctor
diagnosed it as a case of muffler cramps.
submitted by Matthew Kortman
The dean of the chemistry department at Notre Dame told a
research professor that he wasn't generating enough papers in his
field and he would now be relegated to becoming a clergyman.
That's the consequences of the "publish or parish"
philosphy.
submitted by Ronald A. Guidotti
What type of apparel is the most popular with lawyers?
"Law-suits."
submitted by Ronald Guidotti
What direction does a sneeze travel? Atchoo!
Did you hear about the optician who made a spectacle of himself?
The women's Olympic swimming champion was a girl worth wading for.
What did Samson die of? Fallen arches
from Get Thee To A Punnery by Richard Lederer
What did one horse say to the other? "I can't remember your mane but your pace is familiar."
Why are veterinarians so exclusive? Because all of their patients are pre-furred customers.
Did you hear about the frustrated duck? He couldn't get his
down up.
submitted by Shelworth
Did you hear about the fellow who knew so much about ducks
that he tended to talk down to people?
from Pundemoniam by Alan Lewis
Did you hear that a new restaurant opened in India? It's a New
Delhicatessen.
adapted from Pundemoniam by Alan
Lewis
Little known fact: One day, Mr. Ed couldn't perform because he was feeling a little horse.
An ailing old man who was eating chickpeas at his favorite restaurant saved the chef's life and was honored post-humous-ly.
Favorite book of Punsters: "Crime and Pun-ishment"
How did the champion vegetable patch keep its title? It just couldn't be beet.
When asked by a higher officer how some compulsive gamblers were doing as sailors, the captain said, "Generally fine, except when they hear, "All hands on deck." Then they all pick up their cards!"
Army dental corps always have good drill units!
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
Definition of a folk singer: An avante bard
Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell
on hard tines?
from Pundemoniam by Alan Lewis
Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas?
They cantaloupe.
submitted by Chris Lipe
If you don't like rock music, try classical. Can you Handel
it? If you're not dead Baroque, you can afford it. (Like a
painting collector out of Monet.) If you decide to buy some
classical piano music, don't foget to bring your Chopin Liszt! Or
you can play Haydn go seek. Or as Bizet would say, "Carmen
get it."
submitted by Ronald Guidotti
A doctor passed a nurse in the hallway. He cauterize and winked. She intern winked back.
Sign on Music Store: "Out to Lunch, Bach at 1:00,
Offenbach at 2:00"
submitted by Da Rea's
Is PUNANON next? If a program like this were held in the
mountains of Mongolia, would it be a 12 steppe program?
submitted by Jon L.
A nun walks into a confessional and says, "Father, I have
this terrible habit..."
submitted by Moose
A Czechoslovakian man was running from hit men and needed a
place to hide, so he ran into a bank and asked the teller,
"Would you be so kind as to cache a Czech?"
submitted by Andy Rominiecki
Did you hear about the group of journalists who formed a
clothing optional track club?
Their motto was "All the Nudes That’s Fit to
Sprint"
submitted by Jon Lawrence
Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
A: They both involve sandy claws.
submitted by Ronald Guidotti
I tried thinking of a pun for "Rachmaninov" or
"Stravinski" with no success, so a kind person (Bev
Sykes) sent me this response:
Oh come Orff it. Don't go Haydn your light under a bushel. You
can duet. I'd help but I'm too Bizet.
Did you hear about the guy who ran through the screen door?
He strained himself.
submitted by Roxanne Michels
Did you hear about the cannibal who had a wife and ate kids?
submitted by John Edmo
Two peanuts were walking down the sidewalk.
One was assaulted... peanut.
A good cook never cooks carrotts and pees in the same pot.
submitted by Pastor Dennis A. Hayes
An electrician finally arrived at his house at 2 a.m.
His wife was waiting and said "Wire you insulate?"
The reply was
"Watts it to you, I’m ohm ain’t I?"
submitted by Don Wagner
Did you hear about the sick poet who went from bed to verse?
submitted by Don Wagner
When the Beatles get together again in twenty years, will
their drummer be that wrinkled star?
submitted by Ione Library
Author's note: If Ringo's band played songs "from Rubber
Soul", would it be called "Ringo Starr and his All-Star
Rubber Band"?
Definition of a PUN: a slay on words!
submitted by Dobe Doinat
A lion was walking in the jungle and met two men, one sitting
on a rock reading a book, the other working at a typewriter. The
lion ate only one. Which one and why?
He ate the man reading the book, because everyone knows that
readers digest and writers cramp.
submitted by Juan Lozano
Two atoms run into each other. One atom says, "I think I
lost an electron."
The second atom asks, "Are you sure?"
The first atom replies, "I'm positive."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How
much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
I was complaining the other day to a friend about the knot in
my tie. He asked, "Do you know how to do a Windsor
knot?" I replied, "It doesn't matter if you Windsor
knot, it's how you play the game!"
submitted by Parry Johnson
I have a friend who made billions of dollars writing and
selling Cliff Notes. One day I asked him where he got the idea
and he said, "Well, to make a long story short...."
submitted by Phil Hampton
Bill went to the chiropractor, thinking that the chiropractor
wouldn't be able to treat his chronic back pain. After a few
minutes, his back felt like new. When the doctor asked, "How
do you feel about chiropractors now," Bill replied, "I
stand corrected!"
submitted by Stefanio Troia
Our coin collectors club met last week. Theme for the meeting
was "For old dimes sake"
submitted by Dan Galbraith
Anyone with "cloisterphobia" should not consider
becoming a monk!
submitted by Ronald Guidotti
Ever wonder what ever happened to all of the dogs after
Pavlov's famous experiment? They were donated to the
"Salivation" Army.
submitted by Ronald Guidotti
Idea for a new National Public Radio review of sportsmag
swimsuit issues: "All Thongs Considered"
submitted by John Vinson
California smog test: Can UCLA?
submitted by Joan Meyer
The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"
submitted by Stefanio Troia
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
I have submitted 10 puns to your Web Page over the past few
weeks and although I have looked for them to be posted, so far No
Pun In Ten Did.
submitted by Juan Lozano
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: "cell phones".
submitted by Dan Galbraith
Patty saw all the different brands of light bulbs on aisle 9.
She stopped and thought, then decided to choose by process of
illumination.
submitted by Naomi Haroldsen
"Let them eat assorted meat by-products" - Marie
Spam-tionette
submitted by Chris Lipe
Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel ?
A: Dis-gruntled.
submitted by Joanne Bullen
Tourists need to be careful of what they eat when traveling in
France, lest they get Lautrec's revenge--when the bowels get
"Toulouse".
submitted by Ronald Guidotti
A convict in Leavenworth wanted to telephone a fellow convict
in Attica, so he called him "prison to prison".
submitted by Ronald Guidotti
A newspaper editor was captured by cannibals and consumed by their leader. In other words, he became "editor-in-chief".
During the Revolutionary War, when England lost the battle of
Saratoga because General Howe stayed in Philadelphia, it was due
to "lack of no Howe".
submitted by Jere Donovan
Did you hear about the Old Testament hooker? She was arrested
for trying to make a Prophet!
submitted by Fred Lawrence
"Take a charcoal briquette and a boom box on a date. If
anyone asks any questions, just smile and say that you are radio
carbon dating."
from Caitlin's
Good Clean Fun Homepage
I just heard that a radical segment of the woodworkers union broke off and formed a splinter group.
What would you call a sitcom with Archie Bunker as a
carpenter?
"Awl in the Family"
inspired by The Complete Pun Book
Did you hear about the art dealer who was transporting some
valuable paintings to customers when his truck shot off a bridge
and fell into a river? Questioned later by the police, the dealer
observed, "I hated Toulouse-Lautrec, but that's the way the
Van Goghs."
from the International Save the Pun Foundation
Q: What's a good name for a writer's daughter?
A: Paige.
Definition of monotony: being married to the same person for the rest of your life.
Q:What must you be very careful about when applying for a job
by letter?
A:You must spell all the words write.
Does the customer who buys malts at the carnival always get a fair shake?
A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the
Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co-workers recently complained
about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case
of "car pool tunnel syndrome".
submitted by Doug Boettner
Did you hear about the entrepreneur who bought an old, crumbling building with a bell tower and turned it into a strip joint? He wanted the belles to peel.
Did you hear about the proctologist who uses ferns to clean
out your system?
His motto: "With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
Q: Name the document that nobles on a volcanic island forced
the king to sign in order to give them more rights
A: The Magma Carta
What did that the college dean say after graduation ceremonies were interrupted by the deafening sound of an erupting volcano? "That magma cum laud!"
I had trouble finding the shellac because it had varnished from sight.
Nuclear physicists often have trouble concentrating on one project because they have too many ions in the fire.
What excuse did Puff give for being late? "Sorry, my ass
is dragon."
submitted by Deborah Newbury
A college president warned the alumni chairman against requesting too much money at one time by saying, "Don't put all your begs in one ask it."
Did you hear about the humorist who only told jokes about sausage? His friends said his jokes were the wurst.
The old soldier-turned-sausage-maker wrote a book based on his life, titled "Wurst Stories"
My supermarket was just taken over by CNN. Now they're selling OJ in a special "trial" size...
Nero was talking to his financial advisors in a Roman amphitheater. "Why aren't we making any money from this building?" he said. An advisor replied, "Because the lions are eating up all the prophets."
A herring that for many years swam along with a friendly whale
appeared one day without its companion. Asked where the whale
was, the herring replied: "How would I know? Am I my
blubber's kipper?"
from the International Save the Pun Foundation
After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey
suburb, a fellow passenger on a train asked how he liked it in
the country. "It was difficult at first," the man
replied, "but it's a lot better since I got myself a
paramour." The passenger was astonished. "A
paramour?" he said. "Does your wife know?"
Sure," said the Southerner. "She doesn't care how I cut
the grass."
from the International Save the Pun Foundation
Library ad idea: "Check out" books at the library.
It's a "novel" idea.
submitted by Brad Detlefsen
The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no
longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp
in tunnel' syndrome."
submitted by Dan Reynolds
Antidifferentiation is an integral part of Calculus
submitted by Brad Detlefsen
What is it called when Vulcans get a burning desire to make
terrible jokes every seven years? The Pun-far.
Yes, this is funny (to about three people) because on Star
Trek, Vulcans get the burning desire to mate every seven years,
called the "Pon-far"
Q: Why did I disconnect the door bell? A: I wanted the no-bell
prize.
submitted by Jeff
Q: Why did the chef disconnect the door bell and replace it with peas outside his door? A: He wanted the no-bell peas prize...
A type of Scottish cheese: Loch Ness Muenster
There was a new Navy recruit who washed out of an artificial
insemination experiment. He wasn't a seaman first class.
submitted by Bill Edwards
Dieter's newspaper: "Word to the Wides"
A bad cocktail party is a fete worse than death.
Meteor showers: How stars clean themselves
Mail bonding: What some co-workers do at the post office
A Meteor is an example of a rock star.
submitted by Ken Johns
The Devil has been having so much trouble selling sins that he
is renting his back stock at quantity discounts. However, I think
I will only take a couple, because I want to be the lessor of two
evils.
submitted by Chris Owens
Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.
Did you hear about the bird thieves who were accused of fowl play?
A zookeeper having trouble with the aviary would could be having a bad owl movement. (sorry, that was just a play on birds)
A new type of fruit for college students: the Carnegie Melon
inspired by Jesse Waterston
Statiticians love graphitti.
submitted by Joe Paquette
I had just written the word Banana when much to my amazement
the letters suddenly rearranged themselves to spell the word
Abanan. Asking my teacher to explain this, she said: "it's
either a case of consonantal drift or you've just had a vowell
movement!"
submitted by Joe Paquette
Q: What kind of personality did the badly forged sword have?
A: Ill-tempered
submitted by David Mills
Just chicken in: didn't you win the Pullet Surprise?
submitted by Jim Webster
Ice--that's cool!
submitted by Rhommer Varilla
What does an overzealous beaver say when he sees his rival
beaver has built a better home? "Dam!"
submitted by Jennifer Law
Proposed title for a movie about teenage romance in prehistoric times, starring John Cusack as a caveman: "Slay Anything"
A robber broke into the police station and stole all the
toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.
submitted by Carol Mullins
Electricians always keep up with current events.
A policeman arrested a judge who was dressed up as a convict
to go to a party. Later the policeman learned that you should
never book a judge by his cover!
submitted by Bruce Clark
The Lord of the Rings books can be hobbit-forming.
What do you call a fish with 2 knees? A 2-knee-fish
submitted by Eric Jacobowitz
Bakers never have time to loaf off. Variation: Bakers are in loaf with their work, though they're loaf to admit it.
Some balding men want natural hair at no cost; in other words, they don't want toupee.
Did you hear about the famous guitarist who also made great preserves? He loved jam sessions.
Another name for a hippie baker: flour child
Is a fancy frankfurter a haute dog?
To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
Definition of sarcasm: Quip lash
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
Definition of coup d'etat: Rock and Rule
You may lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.
by Dorothy Parker
It was so quiet in the bowling alley that you could hear a pin drop...
"Sects! Sects! Sects!" said the first monk to the second. "Is that all you think about?"
Did you hear about the man who couldn't find anyone to sing with? He had to buy a duet-yourself kit.
Kim: "Say something soft and sweet."
Dave: "Marshmallow."
Did you hear about the science lab burglar? The police eventually colloid him.
Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?
Fine print: A clause for suspicion
A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.
A baker's motto: "It's nice to be kneaded."
"The first tavern to open in Alaska was a polar bar."
"Termites never die. They just go on living happily ever rafter."
A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
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