Contents
Glass Eye 
High Rise Tragedy 
The Twins A Halloween Pun
The Friar A Typical Gnu
The Pun
Contest Rudolph
the Red Et Tu, Brute?
A Prague
Upon the Land The Jester The Shaggy Dog Bite The Safari Guide Bet Two CIA Agents Letter from a
fellow Punster Vincent
Van Gogh's Relatives The Czech Hunting Trip Buying a
Computer--It's Greek to Me! The Pope's Pierogies
Carrot Juice A Strange Trip to the Dentist The Pirate's Treasure
The Koala Don't Start! The Loan
Three Bears
From the Best of: Humor Mailing List
Three guys are out fishing, and when they get back to their truck, they see it's surrounded by three bears: "OK guys, I figure the only way to get to the truck is to get these bears really angry. Then they'll leave and we can go home. So, Ed, you take the one on the left, the little cub with the broken leg, and I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw, and Joe, you take the one on the right, the huge silvertip mama grizzly bear with blood-encrusted claws, the big teeth, and froth around the mouth" "Hey, man wait a sec, I'm supposed to get this monster angry, and you guys get the cubs ? That's not fair!" "Now, now, Joe. We all have our bears to cross."
Glass Eye
Submitted by Berle Beliz
A man who lived in a block of flats thought it was raining and put his hand out of the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a girl looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the girl said, "I have had a marvelous evening, would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye!"
High Rise Tragedy
By Berle Beliz
A large corporation occupied the 26th floor of a high rise office building. Three of
the workers shared a corner office with a large plate glass window. Their names were Dee,
Mel and an older, more formal Chinese gentlemen who went by the name D. Song. One day a
large hawk crashed into the plate glass window leaving a large crack. The office manager
explained to the three workers that glazers would becoming the next day to remove the
cracked window. He warned them to be cautious because the glazers would have to leave the
window space open for most of the day. This was because the replacement window would have
to be cut to size and lifted into place. There would only be a low sill near the floor
separating the office from the outside world. The next day the glazers removed the window.
A bee flew into the office and Mr. D. Song chased the bee with a rolled up newspaper.
Unfortunately he tripped over a wastebasket and over the window sill to his death. The
office manager rushed in after hearing the horrified screams and immediately sized up the
situation and said:
D. Song is over but Mel-n-Dee linger on.
The Twins
From [email protected]
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amahl." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amahl. Her husband responds, "But they are identical twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."
Halloween Pun
From the Best of: Humor Mailing List
Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came
over to take their orders.
"And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"
The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of
plasma."
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two
bloods and a blood light."
The Friar
Submitted by Caroline Caram
Once there was a monk living in a monastary who went around being happy all the time. All the other monks thought he was crazy, because monks are supposed to spend their time being solemn and serious. But not this monk. He wandered around in the flower gardens all day, smelling the flowers and singing and laughing to himself. The other monks just couldn’t stand it anymore. He was ruining their meditations. So the one of the priests became determined to cure this monk of his happiness. He called several psychologists and therapists in to work with him, but all of them left, unsuccessful at curing him. The monk still wandered around the gardens, smelling the flowers. Finally, the priest tried his last resort--Hugh the psychologist. Hugh came in, spent 15 minutes with the monk, and the monk was cured. The moral of the story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
A Typical Gnu
Submitted by Kayla Boettcher
On July 4th, 2007, Ferdinand Feghoot addressed the D.A.R.'s National
Convention, hastily substituting for Robert A. Heinlein, who had been delayed on the Moon.
Not knowing that his audience had expected a more appropriate theme, he spoke on the many
new nations of Africa. "And in conclusion," he remarked, "I must mention
the fascinating Republic of Gnus. We all know how, after the African bomb tests, the
intelligence of the gnus suddenly rose to the human level, and they organized and were
admitted to the U.N. We know about their already great contributions to speculative
philosophy and the arts of government. But few of us are aware of their tragedy -- for the
gnus soon learned they had no aesthetic sense whatsoever. This made them feel deeply
inferior. After years of searching, they shouted with joy when a young male showed signs
of a singular genius for arranging glazed ceramic squares in pleasing patterns which were
then made permanent with cement. They asked me to examine this prodigy, and I gave him
every imaginable test. But he was not truly talented. It was sad indeed that I rendered my
verdict -- "
At this point, the President General leaned over to say that he should at least end his
speech patriotically. "A simple slogan will suffice, dear Mr. Feghoot," she
whispered.
" -- Typical gnu and tiler too!" shouted Ferdinand Feghoot.
The Pun Contest
Submitted by Mary Clay Harris
Once there was a man who lived in a town where each year there was a contest to see who could think of the best pun. Each year the man entered, but each year he lost. Finally, one year the man decided that he would enter ten puns so that he could win the contest. But, no pun in ten did.
Rudolph the Red
Submitted by Caroline Caram
There once was a man named "Rudolph the Red." One day he looked outside his window and said "It's going to rain!" His wife asked him: "How do you know?" He answered: "Well . . . Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Et tu, Brute?
Submitted by Radek of Boktor
John, a security guard at an industrial plant, was at work the other night, when he heard that the janitor, an old man named Beezer, had fallen and hurt his back. So John called the First Aid crew, got a stretcher, and went to carry Beezer out. Well, the two medics were big jokers and started spinning Beezer around in circles. John looked back and said "Stop that. We come to carry Beezer, not to daze him."
A Prague Upon the
Land
Submitted by Bruce A. Sesnovich
"Hungary for puns, are we? I tell you, these bad puns are a Prague upon the land. I thought things were bad before but now your puns are Dublin and things are Warsaw than ever. A friend with a good sense of humor is Swede, Budapest who puns is impossible to get rid of. If you're getting these puns out of a book, give the Bucharest please. Denmark a fool of yourself. You're making my ears Berne and I'm not going to listen anymore. Norway!"
The Jester
Submitted by Robert Bloch
Once upon a time there was a king and a jester. Now, the jester loved puns and annoyed the king with them all day long. Finally, the king was so fed up that he said, "If you don't stop with the puns, I'll be forced to hang you!" What was the jester's reply? "Well, no noose is good noose!" They hung the jester the next day.
The Shaggy Dog Bite
by Robert Bloch
In all the world no man was more blessed than Khu, the Grand Shan of Tartary--nor more cursed.
None exceeded him in power or riches, the breadth of his domain, the virtues of his wife, and the vices of his concubines. Such were his blessings, but heed ye his curse.
For Khu, the Grand Shan, suffered from epilepsy, which men call the "falling sickness"--an affliction of sudden seizures, of convulsions occurring without warning.
Like many great rulers, the Shan had enemies. And it remained for one, whose name was Ling-Po, to discover the cause of his curse. The Shan, a learned and intelligent man, was unusually sensitive to crude japes and mindless jests. It was on occasions when he was exposed to such idiocies--most notably in the form of puns--that he became enraged, and thus responsive to his seizures.
Knowing this, Ling-Po devised what is called, in the heathen lands of the West, a "shaggy dog" story--a witless and revolting piece of nonsense designed to lead the unsuspecting reader to a "punchline" in the form of a truly disgusting pun. This particular story might well sicken any reader--and in the case of someone susceptible to epileptic seizures, it might even bring about his death.
Ling-Po inscribed his work on a scroll of parchment inserted in a golden tube, and personally presented it to the Shan as a birthday gift from an anonymous admirer.
Presently it came to pass that the Shan unrolled the scroll. Ling-Po waited, his heart pounding in uncertainty as the Shan began to read. Would the Shan indeed experience an epileptic seizure when he came upon the filthy pun at the end?
The reading concluded, and for a moment Ling-Po waited, wondering if he had failed. But he need not have worried, once the pun was read. For it was then that the fit hit the Shan.
A Safari Pun
by Bill Edwards
Two safari guides in Africa were having a drink on the veranda and watching the sun go down when they became engaged in an argument over which was the better guide. Since each simply refused to believe the other's hunting stories they were unable to resolve the dispute themselves. They decided the only way to decide was to hunt the very next day and the first of them to kill a lion would win the distinction. A bet was also made that the loser must buy the winner a pint of his favorite whisky. At dawn the next morning one hunter was off with his bearers, beaters, Land Rovers, and all of the other equipment needed for a successful hunt. All this while the other hunter was sitting on the veranda, his feet up on the railing, watching the hunters leave and drinking his morning coffee.
The hunter on safari hunted high and low all day and just before dark finally was able to surround a lion with his native hunters and beaters. As the circle became tighter and tighter the lion finally broke cover and ran into the open. The hunter drew a careful bead on the lion and just as he was about to squeeze off the killing shot, the other hunter suddenly swooped over the hunting site in an airplane, pulled out a machine gun and shot and killed the lion thus winning the bet.
The hunter on the ground was outraged. Back at the lodge he confronted the other hunter about his poor sportsmanship and his lack of honor to the spirit of the challenge. When asked to explain himself the winner said "I don't understand why you are so upset. I thought everybody knows the shortest distance between two pints is a strafed lion."
A Patriotic Pun
by Barry Austern
There were a brother and sister who worked for the CIA during the cold war. Their names were Dwayne and Amber, and they were stationed in Paris. Their job was to sniff out Soviet spies so their cells could be neutralized. It was Paris, where restaurants were "the thing," and the Russians always met in a restaurant.
However, our friends did not know, at any particular time, just what restaurant. Therefore, they had to go from restaurant to restaurant. In order not to be suspect they had to eat at all of the restaurants, so they practiced, if you will, bulimia for Uncle Sam.
Because of the pressure, and because of the fact that they were siblings, they were constantly bickering and were noticed. However, nobody ever thought that they were CIA spies, so they were very successful and many, many Russians were apprehended.
It was time for their annual performance appraisal which read: "They're dutiful voracious spies, but Amber raves at Dwayne."
A Nice
Letter To A Fellow Punster
by Robert Roye
Since puns have always made me giggle
and made my lips and tummy jiggle
l want to earn some money now, you know.
Now, l do follow every rule.
Frig. stuff to me is rather "cool"
but cooking means that l'd still "kneed some dough."
To be discovered would be great.
That's one thing l would never hate
but I don't drive and can't afford a chauffeur.
Since cooking is quite hard for me
burned food is what l often see.
If I could bake some bread I'd be a "loafer."
My sister's guinea pig is sweet.
To play with him is really neet.
He's really friendly so our love, he's taken.
That small guy never did a crime
but he does "hog" up all her time.
For his food he does not "bring home the bacon."
Most of my puns make people laugh.
They're good for one smile and a half
so don't cut any of them, that's not fair.
I"ll write puns quick just like a bunny
and you will think they're rather funny.
If you cut some don't you dare "cur a hare."
I've written puns for quite a while
and it still brings to me a smile
so hopefully not one bad thing will spoil it.
I've written them for ten whole years
and each erases many sneers.
That's my aluminum so l won't "foil it."
When I hear puns I double over
and feel like calling my dog, Rover
to stop my laughing so I can move on.
He helps make sure I'm up to snuff
and that my life is much less "Ruff!"
Still I'm sad--when he goes, I'll
say "Dog gone!"
Though writing poems makes me happy,
it helps my days to be more snappy,
I'm still quite boored which is an awful curse.
Since I've been doing right much sleeping
my days are all just slowly creeping
but as you see I've gone from "bed-to-verse."
Vincent Van
Gogh's Relatives
Author unknown
Vincent Van Gogh had a large family. Here are the names of some of his lesser-known relatives:
The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia...
U. Gogh
The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white ...
Hue Gogh
The great-great-grandniece who wore a mini skirt and liked to
dance ...
Go Gogh
The really obnoxious brother ...
Please Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ...
Gotta Gogh
The uncle who worked at a convenience store ...
Stop N. Gogh
His dizzy aunt ...
Verti Gogh
His domineering aunt...
Vira Gogh
The cousin who moved to Illinois ...
Chica Gogh
His magician uncle ...
Wherediddy Gogh
The cousin who lived in Mexico ...
Amee Gogh
He also had a Filipino relative ...
Grin Gogh
The nephew that drove a stage coach ...
Wells Far Gogh
The uncle who was constipated ...
Cant Gogh
The aunt who loved ballroom dancing ...
Tan Gogh
His ornithologist uncle ...
Flamin Gogh
His cousin, the astrologer ...
Vir Gogh
His nephew, the Freudian psychoanalyst ...
E. Gogh
The Czech Hunting
Trip
From John Morrison
An Englishman and a citizen of the Czech Republic went on a hunting trip. When they did not return for several days, a search party was sent after them. The party found a he-bear and a she-bear, each with full tummies. Becoming suspicious, they killed the two bears. They cut open the stomach of the she-bear, and found the Englishman. The leader of the party then observed, "You all know what this means -- the Czech is in the male."
Buying a Computer--It's Greek to Me!
Letter by Tammi Hill
Hey, I just stumbled across your web site, and I can’t tell you what
a relief it is to know there’s someone else out there who appreciates such fine
humor! (Usually I just get blank stares or objects thrown in my general direction.) So I
thought I’d forward a segment of an e-mail I sent to a friend describing the purchase
of our new computer at work:
"I got a spiffy new computer at work today. My old computer would crash about 10-15
times a day. I think some days I managed to end up withless of a drawing at 5 than I had
started with at 8. We ended up selling that machine to Ulysses wife, Penelope. Seemed to
suitor just fine. It’s still a myth-tery as to why the old one kept crashing. I said,
"Ithacanfix it I would, but it’s the Odess-y thing, whenever I Troy anything,
these Sirens keep going off." Eventually, we found ourselves between a rock and a
hard place: do we keep trying to fix it, or just Perseus a new one? Scylla to be
concerned, but we were. Unfortunately we’d angered our Techno Greek, so when we got
wind of a sail, he told us to go to Helen get it ourselves. Well, we ended up having to go
shopping with only one eye open, and just prayed we wouldn’t get blindsided.
Fortunately the Gods were smiling, and we got a great deal on a classic model that even
included Lotos. Eats everyone up that I have it, that and the nifty screen saver with the
Calypso number. And so ends the epic of our great computer purchase."
I’ll be visiting again soon... Thanks!
The Pope's
Pierogies
Submitted by Gerry Scilla
The Pope was on a state visit to the US. As is the custom in his country when going to dinner at someone's home, he requested that he be allowed to personally prepare one of the dishes to be served at the official state dinner to be held in his honor that evening. Of course, he was allowed to do this, and he used the White House's kitchen facilities to prepare the well know Polish delicacy known as "pierogi", a potato and cheese filled dumpling.
That evening after the Pope and the Presidential party enjoyed a fine meal, the President rose to give the traditional toast in honor of the Pope. As the President reached the end of his toast, he didn't want to miss the opportunity to compliment the Pope on his culinary skills. "Your Holiness," the President continued, "we are so honored to have you with us this evening. We have most especially enjoyed the pierogi that you prepared for us and want to thank for sharing this delicacy with us. I must know; where did you learn to prepare pierogi so well?"
As is customary, the Pope rose to return the President's toast. After the necessary diplomatic pleasantries, the Pope turned to the subject of the meal. "And finally Mr. President, thank you for your compliments about my pierogi. Where did I learn to prepare them so well? Well it is simple. As Pope, it shouldn't be so surprising that as a young boy, I went to pierogial school, of course."
Carrot Juice
Submitted by Eric Newland
Two carrots were walking down the road (which is not a thing carrots are
wont to do, unless they wont to). Unfortunately, despite what your mother told you might
come about if you eat carrots, these carrots did not have very good eyesight, and neither
did a certain driver, who accidentally ran over one of the carrots.
The injured carrot was taken to the hospital (via the shortest root possible). His friend spent hours pacing around the waiting room, worried sick. Finally, the doctor entered, and informed the carrot that he had (I know this will be a big surprise) some Good News and some Bad News. The carrot begged the doctor to tell him everything.
"The good news," the doctor began, claiming the only quote in this story, "is that your friend is going to live. The bad news is he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
A Strange
Trip to The Dentist
Submitted by Ken Ludt
A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. The dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
Another Variation:
Once there was an eccentric Italian monarch who insisted on eating his breakfast on a tablecloth of the map of Italy. he was emphatic that each dish was put in exactly the same place every time. He was the pickiest about having his Eggs Bennedict placed on his capital city. When a guest noticed this and asked him why he did this, he replied, "Because there's no plate like Rome for the Hollandaise."
submitted by Rich Evans
The Pirate's
Treasure
Submitted by Joshua Nassiri
A pirate captain was on the look out for buried treasure. After months of hard sailing, day in and day out, his ship caught site of land, the land to which his treasure map had been leading. He and his first mate diembarked on the island to search out the buried treasure, which was supposed to lie hidden deep within a swamp at the center of the island.
Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and the Captain and his first mate bravely entered the swamp. Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the priate's feet, then ankles, and finally entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp. It was at that time that the Captain banged his shin against something hard. He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest.
Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond imagination. The Captain turned to his first mate and said, "Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!"
The Koala
Submitted by The Hubbards
This koala walks into a restauraunt, orders a sandwich, eats it, shoots the waiter in the arm and then leaves. The waiter runs after the koala and says "Hey, what did you do that for?". The koala says " Look me up in the dictionary and you'll find out". So the waiter looks him up in the dictionary and it says," Eats shoots and leaves"
Don't Start!
From the Best of: Humor Mailing
List
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
The Loan
From the Best of: Humor Mailing
List
A frog went into a bank to take out a loan. He went to the loan officer, whose name was Patty Black. He told Patty Black that he wanted to take out a loan to make some repairs on his house. When asked what he had for colaterol, the frog pulled out a ceramic thing-a-ma-jig. Well, Patty Black didn’t know what to do so she went to see her manager. She explained the situation to him, saying he wanted a loan but all he had for colateral was a ceramic thing she couldn’t even identify. After thinking for a few minutes, the manager responded, "It’s a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan!!"
Great Beer!
Submitted by Jeff Lindstrom
Many years ago there was a famous baseball pitcher named Wilt Famey. His career was brilliant, but in his last years his abilities decreased. Becoming depressed, he started drinking a lot of beer, both on and off the field. In his last year in the major leagues, he was drunk in the dugout most of the time, but his team made it to the World Series. Wilt had not pitched throughout the entire series, but in the last half of the 9th inning of the final game, the score was tied, Wilt's team was on the field, there were 2 outs, and the bases were loaded. His teammates called out, "Bring on Wilt Famey! He'll save the game for us!" Wilt staggered out of the dugout amongst all the beer cans, stumbled to the mound, and pitched four balls, walking the winning run across. As the opposing team was passing by Wilt's team's dugout, one of the players said, "Hey, what's with all the beer cans in their dugout?" His teammate replied, "Didn't you know? That's the beer that made Milt Famey walk us!
| Perniciously Punishing Past Puns
| The Pun Mega Index | JDW Consulting | What is The Pun Page? | Sign
the Guestbook |
| Submit a Pun | Slightly
longer puns | Law and Lawyer Jokes and Puns | Search the Web |
SmartClicks:
Target Advertising For Free
You are visitor to smile at this page since June 14, 1996. Wow!
